The Goodhue family is formed of 9 boys and 1 girl. So when we found out that baby was a girl we were ecstatic! It was so odd to think that we would get to use pink things instead of blues. After all for the past 10 years everything was blue, green, and all boy. It was nice to have a change! I (Alyssa) was overjoyed that I would finally have the little sister that I had been praying for since I was itty bitty. I couldn't wait to dress her up, paint her nails, do her hair; I was more then ready for her to be here.
The weeks leading up to her due date, we had a lot of false alarms. Moms contractions would pick up and we would call the mid wife. But then through out the night nothing would happen. We were all on our toes, wondering when this little bundle of cuteness would arrive! We just wanted her to be here already! I even made a blog where I would write her letters, telling her how excited I was, and how much I loved her!
The anticipation kept up, and we all were waiting for mom to go into labor. But sadly that never happened. it was the middle of the night when my mom woke up, she realized that she hadn't felt Addison move for quite a few days. She drank chocolate milk, pushed on her belly, hoping she would move...But she just knew, that Addison wasn't with us anymore. She just knew that Addison was with Jesus. She woke up my dad and called the mid wife. The mid wife came over and confirmed that Addison had passed. My mom made the devastating post on her Facebook wall that Addison had passed away, just 3 days before her due date. Only 3 more days....and we would have had our beautiful baby girl alive and well with us. Sadly that wasn't God's plan.
My parents didn't want me to wake up and find out about Addison's passing from the amount of texts on my phone. So my dad came in and woke me up, he said "Hey, Lyss. We think you mom lost the baby." My eyes filled with tears, my heart stopped. I began sobbing, and repeatedly saying "No, it's not true. She didn't die, this isn't true. No, no, no she's still hear." but no matter what I said I knew she wasn't here, and never would be. I laid in bed for over an hour in disbelief while living out my worst nightmare. My family used to think that "...bad things only happen to other people." but now we know that isn't true. I finally got out of bed, only to find everyone in the house a wreck in tears and I lost it. As I did for about 4 months. The pain was horrendous.
Mom called the hospital and asked for an ultrasound. We were going to go in to be sure and have someone else tell us what we already knew. I put some clothes on, and said I would go with her. We drove in silence to the hospital, walked in and only said the words that needed to be said. As she laid there and waited for the ultra sound tech, I prayed without ceasing asking God to bring her back. The ultra sound tech came in, and started the ultra sound. He looked around in my moms belly, and after about 5 minutes typed words on the screen. I can't remember them exactly, all I know is that it confirmed Addison's passing.
My mom and I burst into tears, as we read the words. My heart was no longer a heart. It wasn't there anymore, the pain had become to much and I wanted to shut down. We had lost something so precious, something so valuable. The ultra sound tech left the room, the doctor entered. The doctor was gracious, and has been a friend of my parents for many, many years. He wanted to make the rest of this nightmare, as easy as it was possible. The mid wife came, and stayed with my mom and I. My brother bought me food and brought it to the hospital for me, I hadn't eaten...Nor did I really want to. We sat and cried, while we waited for my dad to arrive. When he got there I went home to tend to the little ones.
I sat at home and tried to distract myself, mine and my brothers friends came over to help out with the kids. With the many visitors that came, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to cry in front of them. I just wanted to say thank you for caring, and bringing us dinner, and have them leave. The evening was hard, as the little ones would fight and argue as usual, but I didn't not have the energy mentally or physically to deal with them. I would try and instruct them to stop but always ended up sobbing. We got the little ones dinner, we got them in their pajama's, and they all fell asleep in the living room.
Once they were all asleep I went and found my big brother and collapsed into him on the couch, I sat and cried. He sat and cried. My dad called to let us know they had induced my mom, and were working through contractions. I eventually became to exhausted to cry. It took too much energy which I didn't have, so I would just sit and try to comprehend my current situation. At about 11:30pm on September 26th, 2011 Addison Ruth Goodhue was born. As sweet as can be. Full head of hair. An angel for sure. My dad texted to let us know she was here. He arrived home at about 1:30 am and we were of course still awake. My dad told my brother and I to go to bed, and get some sleep. So we did.
The next morning when I woke up I was happy at first, until I remember what had become my reality. It would be a long day. We all got up and got dressed. We headed to the hospital to 'meet' Addison. We walked in the room, and my mom was holding her. The littles went first, and had lots of questions. We tried to answer the questions the best we could, when they were done Luke and Caleb took them home. I sat and I held her for over an hour crying, and praying the God would give her life again...Although I knew that wasn't going to happen.
When Mom, dad, and I were done holding her, we put her in her bassinet and called the nurse. We told her that we were ready to go home. She wheeled Addison out of the room, and my heart broke yet again. Leaving the hospital without her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I remember walking through the parking lot, asking God why? Why Addison? She didn't do anything to deserve this. Why her? I didn't understand...But at the same time I did. I knew God had a plan, and I knew His plan was perfect. I knew He had reasons for this that I would never know. I knew that He has my best interest in mind, and would only do something that would benefit me in the long run. I still don't know what His reasoning was, but I trust Him.
Addison's ceremony was sweet, all of our friends and family came. I never understood when people said "I just wanted people to stop hugging me." I never got that, but now I do. With every person that came to hug me, and tell me they were sorry and it would be okay. I wished more and more that the people would stop coming, and stop hugging me, I wished that I could go and cry alone. But I knew they were only hugging me and saying those words because they cared, and wanted to take our pain away. They said those words, because they didn't know what else to say. I'm thankful for those people, I truly am. We finished the ceremony, and went home I took a nap and spent time alone. My parents spent time hugging the rest of their kids a little tighter, knowing that they could be taken at any time.
Life is fragile, and we aren't promised our tomorrows. Cherish life and the folks in it, because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.
The next months were horrible, it felt like I relived the same weeks for 2 months. It was like a black whole, that just got deeper and deeper. You kept sinking, and sinking, trying to get out but you just...couldn't. I knew with time it would get easier, but that is not a comforting thought when you are in that type of s situation. I clung to my Jesus, harder then I ever have before. Because I knew He was the only one that would get me through this. It did get easier, until holidays came around. When Christmas hit, it was hard. It was our first Christmas with out her, we cried. As time went on we found ways to cope, things that helped, and ways to distract us. But the pain never goes away, it is always there. You just get better at numbing it.
As I sit here and type this out, my heart fills with all the pain, sadness, and devastation, as before I can remember all the details and how the days dragged on. There are a few things I know though. I know that God carried me through, I know that God is sovereign, and I know that He has a reason for all things good and bad. We don't always understand, and sometimes we wont ever understand. But that is what makes God, God. If we knew everything, and had a perfect life there would be no need for a perfect, all knowing, all powerful God.
I am not where I was in 2011. My heart has since healed, and is still healing. I can now use this, to lift up and further understand those who will go through this same thing. In the end God is God, regardless and we will always have a reason to praise Him.
This my friends, is Addison's story. Sad, Heartbreaking, and God Glorifying.
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